Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 77918 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77918 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 390(@200wpm)___ 312(@250wpm)___ 260(@300wpm)
He had such a full life, and I was so proud of him for that, but all I could focus on was wondering how he’d done that, how he’d just been able to spill his guts to me, and wishing I had it in me to do the same. Why were some folks built like that and not others? I wanted to tell him it was okay, that I loved him and fuck anyone who had a problem with him and Jasper. Before I did, Sutton quietly cleared his throat. “Do you think my mom and dad…”
“They wouldn’t have cared,” I pushed out of my mouth. The last thing I wanted him to think was that they would have given a shit about that. He didn’t deserve to carry that hurt around. “I’ve never known anyone who loved the way your mama did. She gave everyone she cared about her whole heart, like hers had more capacity than most. And there was no one she loved more than you and your sister. She wanted the world for you both. She was a romantic. She would have been your biggest champion. I can promise you, she would’ve told Bob Finch where he could stick it.” Jasper’s daddy had always been a little judgmental, if you asked me.
Sutton laughed again, then asked, “And my dad?”
I lit another cigarette. Talking about Phil was sometimes even harder than talking about Nadine. He was my brother, and I’d betrayed him by loving the same woman he did…because the truth was, if Nadine had wanted me, I don’t know that I could have done the right thing. I lived with that guilt every day. “Your mama made my brother a better man. It didn’t happen overnight. He was a bit of a troublemaker. Our folks didn’t know what to do with him growing up. Nadine and I had been friends our whole lives, as you know. Me and your mama were nineteen when I got a place with Phil. He was fuckin’ up a lot, drinkin’ too much. I tried to help, but I couldn’t get through to him, yet somehow, your mama could. She’d come over to see me, and the two of them would get to talkin’…and, well, eventually he got his shit together and they fell in love and all.”
“But you didn’t know, right?”
My chest tightened, but I tried to ignore it. “Nah, they started spendin’ time together without me. I didn’t know until Nadine told me, which was right before she got pregnant with you.” My heart thudded remembering that conversation, how it had felt like the damn thing would wither and die, and hell, maybe it had. It had hurt knowing they’d kept it from me, then knowing the person I’d been in love with felt the same way about my brother. But I’d pushed it aside because I had no other choice. Nadine and I were twenty-one when she had Sutton, the wedding coming not long after, and she’d been happy, so fucking happy. I’d wanted that for her, more than anything, but it had nearly killed me too. My breathing picked up, but I did my best to fight it.
“Anyway, the Phil he was before your mama, I’d question him, but not the one he became after, so yeah, he would’ve been okay with it. He just wanted you happy.”
I could see the emotion in Sutton, his eyes welling with tears. A better man would have gone over to sit beside him, to hug him and tell him it was okay. I couldn’t work out how to do that, but I wanted to give him something, wanted to try and help, even if my instinct was to close down. “Earlier, you said you feel guilty about Jasper movin’ out. It’s okay to feel that, but don’t let it change nothin’. He chose you. He loves you. That ain’t the ending everyone gets. That other person doesn’t always love you back.” What mattered was Sutton and Jasper. He needed to hold on to that.
I watched Sutton as he looked over to the bookshelf. His gaze lingered, and I knew exactly what it was on, could describe it without my gaze wandering to the same thing—a photo of me and Nadine from before she and Phil got together. It was faded. I had my arm around her. It had been a good day, one we’d spent at the lake. She was laughing at something I’d said, and no one laughed at things I said. It always amazed me that she thought I was funny. She’d always amazed me, and you could see it in that photo because I couldn’t take my eyes off her in it. I’d just felt so fucking lucky in that moment to be close to her, to be in her presence, that I’d slipped and let it show. There was no doubt in my mind Sutton saw my truth.