Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 94686 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94686 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
“I won’t go inside if that man is in there,” she said. “I can wait out in the hall or something.”
I rolled my eyes, but since she was behind me, she couldn’t see. “That’s fine. I just need your awesome Kung Fu fighting skills anyway.”
She sliced the air with her hand. “I have been known to deliver justice to all those who have messed with mine.”
“Is that a Chuck Norris line?”
“No, but that reminds me.”
Oh, God! Do not start with the Chuck Norris jokes!
Vivian didn’t watch many action movies. The only way we could get her to check out any when we were kids was if Chuck Norris acted in them. Sadly, he’d starred in so many in the 1990s that Vivian ended up going to the movies with us several times. The action actor then became her secret obsession. I never got it. Then his television show, Walker, Texas Ranger, began, and there was no getting her away from the screen. She forced me to act out fighting scenes, her as Walker, me as stupid person getting his ass kicked.
And then the jokes came soon after.
“Many people say the Earth revolves around the sun,” Vivian said. “But I researched it.”
I gave off mock boredom. “And what did you find?”
“The Earth is actually still. What happens is the sun follows Chuck Norris as he does a daily jog around the Earth.” She cracked up with laughter.
Alrighty.
“Do you know that one-time Chuck Norris dove off of a huge tower?” she asked as she climbed the stairs behind me.
“No.” I pretended to yawn. “I was not aware of this occurrence. And what happened to dear Mr. Norris?”
“Well, the ground didn’t make it.”
And my bus stops here.
“Okay. That’s your two-Chuck-Norris-joke limit for the day.”
“We agreed on three.”
“No. I said more than two Chuck Norris jokes in one day gives me diarrhea.”
“I thought that was five. Come on. Let me say one more. You must admit with everything going on. . .a little Chuck Norris in our lives could really lift our spirits.”
We got to the top of the stairs. All of the bedroom doors were closed. Quiet rode the air.
“Fine. Say your stupid joke.”
“Some people wear Superman pajamas.” Vivian formed her lips into a wide smile.
“Let me guess. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.”
She hit my back. “Oh. That’s not fair! I get another one.”
I knocked on the bedroom door behind which Benny was supposed to be hiding out. I didn’t get why he’d been even made to stay up here. Chase didn’t worry. Benny’s intel seemed to be just as good as his. If anybody was moving in the house, Benny somehow knew and even heard everything. I’d concluded that Benny probably had kept his wiring of Chase’s old home updated as technology improved. That was the type of guy Benny was, always thinking a few steps ahead of everyone else.
I knocked again. No one answered.
“Why does outer space exist?” Vivian asked.
“Because Chuck Norris’s penis is huge or something?”
“What? That’s a perverted answer.”
“It’s not like there is any clear logic to these jokes besides the fact that he is the man.” I opened the door and peeked my head in. Empty. No one was in there and this room wasn’t like the one Chase and I stayed in. There was no bathroom at all.
Where are you, Benny?
I ducked back out and closed the door.
“So what’s the answer?” Vivian asked.
“What?” I raised my eyebrows.
“Why does outer space exist?”
“Your father is not in his room,” I whispered. “Don’t you think that’s odd?”
“I don’t spend my time trying to understand that vile person anymore.”
Oh, yeah. She hates his guts. Note to self: Vivian won’t be logical when Benny is in the conversation.
I glanced down the hall. All of the other rooms remained closed. I knew for a fact that Dawn stayed in the farthest one on the end. Vivian, being my favorite asshole in the world, drew a huge number one in the center of Dawn’s door with a black permanent marker. If Troy wasn’t going to get us kicked out of Atrani and Chase’s house, Vivian sure would. The door with the number two done in green paint was where Wendy stayed. I’d wrestled the marker out of Vivian’s hands, went to go hide it, and returned to discover Vivian painting the numbers on the doors instead.
I think she’s been smoking today. How the hell did she get the weed?
“Do you give up?” Vivian asked.
“Not only do I give up, I’m hoping you will as well.”
“Outer space exists because it’s too afraid to stay on Earth with Chuck Norris.”
“Holy hell. No more jokes, please.”
“That’s blasphemous. I think.”
We stood in the center of the hallway, staring at those three doors with marker and paint on them. An urge rushed through me. It was strong and ready to make its dream come true. Every cell in my body said, “Go ahead. Do it. Face these bitches and see for yourself who tried to shoot you.”