Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Dr. Lee scribbled on her notepad. “It’s normal to feel like that during times of upheaval but if something is important to you, you will find a way to hold on to it. I’m sure the others are feeling the same way. Have you tried talking to them about it?”
No. He wouldn’t worry them. He’d just have to work harder to make sure they found a space to perform. Once they had a new venue, everything would go back to how it used to be.
“That’s your stubborn face.”
Tam grimaced. “Sorry.”
“By now you know I’m not here to manipulate or persuade you into actions. If you don’t want to talk to them, that’s your choice.”
“Just be open to other possibilities, I know.”
“Good. Outside of the Sassy Boyz and dance, is there anything else of note in your life?”
Tam tried his best not to flinch, but Dr. Lee was extremely observant. “What happened?”
He spent the next half an hour telling her about Driver. Dr. Lee listened, occasionally tapping her unused pen against her lip like she’d forgotten to take notes. When he was done, he puffed out a breath and waited for her reprimand. It had been his recklessness that had landed him in such an embarrassing situation. He’d lost any shot he had at simple friendship with Driver. Now that he knew the truth, Tam would probably never see him again.
He rubbed at the empty ache behind his breast bone.
“Do you know what a remarkable step forward you’ve taken?”
Tam looked up to see Dr. Lee smiling at him. “Huh?” That was definitely not the reaction he’d expected.
“You’ve accepted your own desire. That’s tremendous.”
“But... I totally freaked out.”
“Of course you did. It was the first time in your life that you acted on your desires without being forced into it. It’s only natural everything you’ve been through would come up.”
“It’s not the first time.” He studied one of the many posters hanging on the wall.
“Oh? There have been other instances when you’ve become sexually aroused and pursued it voluntarily without threats or money being exchanged?” She lifted an eyebrow at him like she knew the answer, and he guessed she did. Which only made him feel pathetic. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. In all the ways that matter, you’re still a virgin.”
Tam gave a harsh laugh. “Right. I’m a fucking virgin prostitute. What a joke.”
“A few months ago you wouldn’t even acknowledge that you felt the slightest hint of desire. And when you first came here, you were completely shut off from your own sexuality. You’ve made huge progress.”
He couldn’t grasp what she was saying. It seemed so crazy to think of the insanity of their not-a-date as a good thing. That somehow his breakdown meant he’d grown emotionally. How did that make any sense? He didn’t feel any better.
No, in fact, he felt worse than he had in a long time. He felt lost, confused. Yes. He’d been confused since he’d walked into the laundry room to see Driver mostly naked, his tattoos glowing under the fluorescent lamps, muscles bulging. The memory caused him to shiver as pleasure zipped up his spine to the roots of his hair. He pulled at the jeans he wore and swallowed.
Maybe Dr. Lee was right. Clearly, Driver turned him on.
And yeah, a couple months ago he wouldn’t have been able to admit that. But what did it change? He still couldn’t do anything about it.
What good was accepting his desire if he couldn’t fulfill it?
* * *
They looked older.
Driver couldn’t get over how much his grandparents had aged since the last time he’d visited. Had it really been so long? Time was whipping by like cars in a Formula One race. Impossible to stop. Impossible to see.
His grandmother’s hands, the ones that had always seemed so strong when he was a boy, were now frail and knotted with arthritis. Those hands had wiped away his tears, they’d held his hand when he was scared. They’d been so giving and capable. Seeing them now, weak and wrinkled—well, fuck, to be honest it scared the shit out of him.
Her face scrunched in pain as she scooped mac and cheese onto his plate, and it made him want to run again—just get on his bike and take off to God only knew where. Just bury his head inside his helmet and ignore reality like he usually did.
But he couldn’t yet. There were still things to do, things tying him in place. Plus, he owed them one meal after all. He’d been gone too long. And he couldn’t use the excuses he’d given Tam either. There had been plenty of times over the last couple years when he’d had the chance to come home. Every single time he’d chosen a different road. It wasn’t fair to them.
None of his bullshit baggage was their fault. They’d done their best in a bad situation. They loved him. They missed him. And in exchange he did what?