Total pages in book: 118
Estimated words: 106646 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 533(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 355(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106646 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 533(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 355(@300wpm)
She holds it out to us. B'shit looks over at me and then hesitantly reaches for it. "What's it for?"
S'teph gestures at it. "When you hold this, you're allowed to speak your secrets without fear of reprisal. When your partner—that's you, A'tam," she says, tapping on the floor in my direction, "holds the stick, they are going to be telling you vulnerable things. Things that hurt them or bother them, that they don't feel comfortable sharing normally. It's very hard to give up painful secrets or to talk about things that we want to tuck away. When you hold this stick, it's a reminder to you that it's safe to share, and it's a reminder to your partner that what is being shared while the stick is held is never, ever to leave this room. Do you understand?"
It sounds foolish to me. I have never had problems sharing how I feel. I shrug and look over at B'shit.
She looks…greenish. Upset. Pale. She stares down at the stick as if it will bite her. I do not like that she is so worried. "We do not need this wood," I say, putting a hand on my mate's arm. "I have no secrets."
"Bridget?" S'teph asks in a soft voice. "Do you want to get rid of it, then?"
My mate licks her lips. She stares down at it for a moment, then shakes her head. "No," she says softly. "No, I think I need it." And she clutches it to her chest.
I frown over at her. Why does she not tell me what she thinks? Why does she hide everything?
S'teph gives us a broad smile. "All right, then. Shall we start? I want you both to feel comfortable talking in front of me, and to each other. Like I said, there are no wrong answers, just different perspectives."
She looks at us expectantly, and I shrug again. I turn to look at B'shit, who gives us a wobbly, somewhat frightened smile in return. I do not like this. She looks…very upset. And guilty.
"A'tam?" S'teph cocks her head. "Shall we start with you? Do you have questions for Bridget? Maybe we could start with the most pressing issues and go out from there if we need to."
"I wish to know why she is so upset," I say, frowning in the direction of my wan mate. "I do not like this. I did not agree to make her unhappy. I agreed to talk.” I hold my hand out to B'shit. "If you want to stop this right now, we will. I do not like that you are sad."
She takes my hand and squeezes it, offering me another wobbly smile. "It's all right. It's stuff we need to talk about. It's just hard for me."
"Why is it hard?" S'teph prompts. "Perhaps that can be your first question."
B'shit thinks for a moment. "I just—"
"Hold onto the stick," S'teph suggests gently. "Let the visual remind you that this is a safe moment, okay? A'tam knows that as long as you hold that stick, these things we talk about are sacred. They won't leave this room."
B'shit stares down at the stick in her lap. She lets go of my hand and picks it up, her expression thoughtful. After a moment, she takes a deep breath and then speaks. "I think…I think I have a hard time being vulnerable because of my mother."
"What about your mother?" S'teph asks.
B'shit clutches the stick so tight that her knuckles whiten. "My mother didn't want a child. Or rather, she only wanted one as a bargaining chip to force my father to marry her. When he didn't, I was an annoying inconvenience. A brat. She wasn't kind to me. She wasn't loving like most mothers. She told me all the time how useless I was, how pathetic. And every chance she got, she'd send me away. My father sent her child support, of course, so she'd use that money to send me away to boarding school, to one summer camp after another, to random church retreats, to anything or anyone that would take me. The longer, the better."
I do not understand a lot of what she says, but there is pain in her expression. I have always spoken warmly of my mother—my memories of her are good ones—but now that I think about it, B'shit has never mentioned hers in a positive way. "She sent you away?" I ask. "Because she did not wish to be with you?" I remember that O'jek's mother had a child that was sent to the outcast clan. I remember how bitter and angry she would get when one of the outcasts was encountered in the jungle. How her face would become as stone, and she would retreat, not speaking for days on end.
For the first time, I imagine what that must have been like for O'jek. I also wonder what it was like for that outcast child.