Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 98226 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98226 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 491(@200wpm)___ 393(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
“And I am consumed by you!” Tears flooded my eyes, my throat thick with emotion I couldn’t swallow down. “Can’t you see that? I mean, you must know it already. I want you, more than anyone or anything I have ever wanted in my entire life,” I confessed, and my body shook with the admission, trembling violently as I longed for Theo to wrap me in his warm embrace. “I just… I am confused, and lost, and torn between emotions I never knew I could feel.” That admission seemed to sting more than the first, and two tears slipped free with the words, rolling down my hot cheeks in quick little rivers. “I don’t know what to do.”
Theo’s brows bent together, his Adam’s apple bobbing hard in his throat. He leaned just marginally toward me, like he wanted to reach for me, too, but something stopped him. Slowly, his face leveled, his lips flattening, jaw hardening into stone.
“Let me know when you figure it out,” he said.
And then he turned, and he left me there, and I fell into a pile of rubble on the floor as Wonderland came crashing down.
I spent the night thinking of my self-portrait again.
I thought of how I envisioned myself standing on the ship, with a storm to one side and a clear sky to the other. As if I had a choice. As if I could steer the ship and turn it toward the sunset and ride away safely over peaceful waters.
How naïve.
The reality was that I was the ship, completely at the mercy of the captain, except there was no captain and I’d been pulled straight into a storm that devoured me and left me wrecked on a rocky shoreline.
I waited a long while for Theo to come back to his room, but he never did, and so I found myself wandering around the boat a little lost. It didn’t feel right to go to the room I’d been sharing with Joel. In fact, that room had felt off-kilter since the day Theo and I went to the Grotto.
I didn’t want to be in the same bed with Joel.
I didn’t want to share space with him at all.
And yet, I couldn’t deny him, the way Theo had asked, and proclaim myself Theo’s to take.
My heart shredded itself inside my chest, self-inflicted knife slits leaving the organ in ribbons as I sat awake on the edge of the bed in our stateroom waiting for Joel to come home. I heard the ruckus when the crew made their way back onboard, but the noise carried downstairs, and even when it died down, Joel never did come back.
We were done.
I knew it. He knew it. And yet, neither of us could admit it. Neither of us wanted to be the first to say the words.
It was impossible to separate who we were now from who we’d been. I wondered if Joel felt the same way, if every time he went to say the words he saw me riding on the front of his bicycle around the CU campus, or remembered the way we fit together watching movies in his dorm room bed.
Our hearts hold onto history, to comfort, to safety. Even when we know those things have died, our hearts will tell us there is hope to revive them.
But my hope wilted like a flower without water the more the hours stretched on that night, the black sky giving way to the soft blues of dawn, and I knew whether I felt ready or not, whether I wanted to or not, I had to face the truth.
I was still sitting on the edge of the bed, back rounded, legs sore, eyes dry and weary when Joel finally snuck in. He opened the door quietly, tip-toeing inside, but when he saw me on the bed, his shoulders deflated, and he closed the door behind him without care to how loud it was.
I could see it then, that he’d been wrestling with the same thoughts I had all night. That truth was reflected in the sad smile he offered me, in the sigh that left his chest as he abandoned his jacket on the back of the statement chair in the corner, and in his tired, red eyes as he quietly sat down next to me on the bed.
For a long time, we sat side by side, not touching or saying a single word. I listened to him breathe, going over the words in my head, wondering where to start. My chest was tight, stomach turning, and already, I could feel tears building along with a knot in my throat.
“Joel…” I started, at the same time Joel said, “We need to talk.”
I laughed a little under my breath, and Joel gave me a sheepish smile.
“You first,” I said.
He nodded, steeling a breath before he turned to face me. “I want to break up.”