Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
It’s true. When we’re talking, I still feel these things for him…and it hurts knowing he doesn’t feel anything more.
“I just don’t understand how he can be the way he is. I’m not even sure I’m mad at him as much as I am myself. I started hooking up with him so confident this wasn’t going to happen. I was fucking determined, and he wasn’t my type at all…and not even the kind of guy who would ever give me a second glance.”
“What?” Hayden sounds shocked.
“You’ve seen Travis. He’s like a ten.”
“And what do you think you are?”
The expression on his face reminds me of how Travis looks when I say something self-deprecating. Peter never used to get like this. If anything, if someone said something about me being cute, he’d just say, “Gary’s doable.” It was always said as a joke, but it got to me.
“I’m not playing this game,” I say.
“No, I want you to tell me where you are on this little scale you have in your head.”
“It’s not important.”
“I think it is.”
“Oh my God. Like a six point five. Seven, maybe.”
He chuckles. “Oh, wow. Peter fucked you up real bad.”
“That’s average!”
“The guy who was dancing on that stage at the fundraiser didn’t think he was average.”
He’s right. That guy and the guy who fucked around with Travis never felt average, but that’s not how I feel most of the time. I feel like…I’m just Gary. And obviously, I wasn’t enough to satisfy Peter.
“Can we stop talking about this?” I ask. “It makes me uncomfortable.”
“As your new friend, it’s kinda my job to make things uncomfortable. Travis would be lucky to have a guy like you. An honest, attractive guy who—based on what you said the other day—gives him some mind-blowing sex.”
“Saying it isn’t going to make me believe it.”
“Well, if we’re going to make some real headway on this, I’m gonna need to get a degree, and you’re going to have to start paying me an hourly rate.”
I smile again. Hayden is better at having serious conversations and making me laugh than Derek, who would prefer to avoid serious conversations altogether.
“What do you really want with Travis?” he asks.
“I can’t have that.”
“Okay…rephrase…knowing he doesn’t want you that way, what do you want?”
“I want to be his friend.”
“Even after the fight?”
I nod.
“Can you do that?”
As I imagine being around him like I was tonight, my face twitches and my eyes tear up.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I miss him, Hayden.”
A tear stirs in my eye. It reminds me of when I saw Derek the other night.
“I don’t like that I get like this, but I wake up now, and it’s weird not having him in the bed with me. It feels so empty. And not like it did with Peter. When Peter left, it felt like I missed him out of habit. Like missing having a piece of furniture. With Travis, it’s like, I want him there in case something exciting happens. So I can celebrate with him if Steven calls. Or in case something happens with work and I want someone to talk to. It’s stupid stuff, and I know he’s not responsible for not feeling the same way about me, but then he says shit like I’m amazing or like I deserve someone incredible, and it just pisses me off because I don’t understand how I can be so amazing if he doesn’t even want to be with me. And I know it’s not his fault, but that doesn’t keep it from hurting…so fucking much.”
I wipe at my face, spreading what tears have fallen on the back of my hands.
“So now are you ready for the million-dollar question?” he asks. “Do you want to cut him out of your life for good?”
Just hearing those words makes another tear slide down my face.
God, I hate myself so much for how much I care. How much it hurts.
I shake my head. “I want to be friends, but I don’t fucking know how to do that. I look at his face—that fucking beautiful face—and it’s like this switch turns on in my brain that I can’t turn off. I think that’s why we started fighting…because he keeps saying these things about me being awesome and it gets to me. He even told me something really personal that he’s never told anyone, and I don’t know how to process that. What does that even fucking mean? It makes me mad because it’s like he’s doing it on purpose. Like he’s trying to drive me insane. But then I get out of it, and I know it’s all in my head.”
“It’s not a crime to feel this way,” he says. “You can’t help that you like someone, and if he doesn’t get that, he’s an asshole. But I think he does, and if you care about being friends with him, then you have to push through those feelings. You’re going to have some fights. It might be a little weird for a while, but you have to struggle through it.”