Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
“How are things downtown?” Mom asks, shaking me from my thoughts.
They’ve skirted around this question for a while, keeping the conversation on work and talking about some new television shows they’re watching. As soon as the words come out of her mouth, tears well in my eyes.
I’ve always had a hard time keeping things from them. When I met up with them after Peter, it was difficult to keep it together, but I managed. This isn’t the same. What happened with Peter upset me mostly because he made me feel like an idiot. And he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to make him happy. With Travis, I miss my friend. I’m sad I won’t be there to help him with his loss if Steven never gives him the money. Or celebrate with him if he does. To tell him about my shit at work or about how Derek managed to embarrass me at the bar.
We made such a good team. At least, I thought we did.
“I’m not good,” I blurt out.
Their eyes widen with concern as they’re both totally thrown—the way I expect them to be.
“I can’t keep doing this anymore,” I say. “I can’t keep pretending all the time.”
“What’s wrong?” Dad asks, and I can see the concern in his eyes—the same concern that’s always been there—only because he’s never known what’s really been going on in my life.
“I never tell you guys anything, I know that. I’ve just been so scared for so long that if I told you the truth you’d be stressed out like you always are with Caroline. That you’d worry about me and think I’m a burden. But I’m tired of not being myself. And I’m tired of being such a coward. I’m hurting a lot right now. I broke up with someone I really care about. Someone I love. And right now, it’s burning in my chest and feels like it’s never going to go away. His name’s Travis.”
There. I dropped the bomb.
Mom puts her hand to her face.
“Oh my God,” she says.
I can sense her disappointment. This is it.
My father has a disturbed look on his face too.
“It’s a surprise,” he says. “But it makes sense now that you say it. Why you never had any girlfriends. Why you never talked about your life.”
“Gary, are you sure?” Mom asks, still appearing horrified.
Her question makes me chuckle. I’m amazed to be in the middle of this thing I feared and to have a sense of humor about it.
“Yes, I’m sure. I was actually in a long-term relationship with another guy who I met right after college. We’re not together anymore, but it was a really big part of my life.”
“Deb,” Dad says, “I think now’s the part where we tell him we love and support him regardless of who he loves.”
“I just…I don’t know what to think. I mean, all these years, and you spring this on us?”
“For Christ’s sake, it’s not that big of a deal,” he says.
“Not a big deal that I don’t even know who my son is? I can’t even process this right now.”
“Honey, I think he likes boys.” He winks at me, clearly trying to diffuse what’s becoming a tense situation. I can tell Mom’s rattled, but it’s nice knowing at least I have Dad on my side.
“Don’t you understand how much harder his life is going to be now?” she asks him.
They get into it. It’s the fight I feared. The sort of fight they might have had over some of the trouble Caroline might have gotten into.
But it’s the fight I needed to happen. The fight I needed to face.
It doesn’t take long before Mom shuts down and heads up to her room, but Dad pulls me aside into the family room and offers me a warm hug. For the first time in a long time, it’s like he’s hugging the real me.
“She’s from a much more religious family,” he says as he pulls back. “It’s hard for her, but she’ll come around. It was a lot for her to find out that her son hasn’t been able to be himself around her all these years. But she does love you. You know that, right? I just wish you would have told us sooner. That you didn’t have to keep this all bottled up to yourself for so long.”
“Me, too,” I say. Because it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would, and even though it didn’t go great, at least now we can deal with it.
Dad and I chat a little longer before I head back downtown.
Despite Mom’s spaz out about it, I feel relieved. It wasn’t the best reaction, but it wasn’t the worst either.
And I’m not stuck with that lingering fear about how they could have reacted…it reminds me of this fear I have about Travis. I’m so fucking scared of him hurting me like Peter did, and it’s this demon I’m torturing myself with. I’m avoiding him for the same reason I avoided my parents.