Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 79040 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 395(@200wpm)___ 316(@250wpm)___ 263(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79040 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 395(@200wpm)___ 316(@250wpm)___ 263(@300wpm)
I sent out queries as soon as I finished editing the book. I had a big list made up of all the local publishers in the city because I thought my chances were best if I could personally meet with agents and editors. At first, nobody replied to me. It was all crickets.
But then I sent a second wave of emails where I briefly explained the drama with Landmark and mentioned that Gray Wolfe had “expressed interest” in publishing my story, which wasn’t really a lie. Suddenly I had meetings with three different publishers in person.
Those had all been a few weeks ago, but every day that goes by without contact makes my hopes sink further into the gutter. I gave all of them a manuscript to read and crossed my fingers that I’d hear back within the day. Now I’m convinced they all read the book, hated it, and will never reach out to me.
I just can’t shake the feeling that everything went wrong when I broke things off with Jameson. I can’t get away from the endless line of what if’s that float around my brain every day and night. What if I’d forgiven him? What if I’d let him make it up to me? What if I still had him by my side to help me navigate this mess I’ve found myself in?
I miss him.
I miss him every time I have more than a few seconds to think. Every time the feeling of longing gets too strong, I remind myself that he lied. If he lied to me once, it means he could do it again. If he could lie to me, how could I ever trust him?
But more and more, I feel like I’m just reading lines to myself. They are the lines I think I’m supposed to say, but they aren’t the ones I feel in my heart. My heart is bursting with the desire to forgive and to give second chances, even if it has burned me so many times in the past. I want to forgive because that’s who I am. It’s who I was before Vaughn tried to burn it out of me and it’s who I was before I tried to be someone else by walking away from Jameson before he could hurt me more.
“Hey,” Roxie says, snapping her fingers. “Get that puppy dog look off your face. I can tell what you’re thinking about.”
“No you can’t,” I say.
“You’re thinking about going down there and getting all smoochy with him.”
I open my mouth to argue, but can’t seem to find the right lie to convince her I wasn’t doing exactly that. I clear my throat and stare at my feet.
Roxie and Dani both laugh.
Gemmaline hugs me. “It’s okay, Girl. I support you if you decide to go down there and talk to him. I think he’s at least earned a listen.”
“Quit being a bad influence,” Roxie says.
“It’s okay to let your guard down sometimes,” Gemmaline says. “It’s okay to…” she struggles to find the words and starts gesturing in a circular motion.
“Maybe it’s always going to be a risk?” I blurt. “I mean… Yes,” I point to Roxie. “You have had some real scumbag boyfriends who have really been shit to you. I totally get the whole us against the world mentality you have. I really do. But what are we supposed to do instead? Just only date guys who are one hundred percent safe? There’s no such thing. And if there was, it would be boring, right?” It’s more than I’ve said about my feelings since this whole thing started weeks ago. Mostly, I’ve just listened and let my friends tell me what they think. But I finally feel like I’m boiling over with energy–like I’ve got to do something and soon.
Roxie folds her arms. “There are guys who don’t lie to you and mistreat you.”
“Clay did lie about his body count,” Dani says slowly. Clay is the guy from work she started dating recently. “We talked about it and he told me he’d been with three girls. But we were all drinking at this bar after work and one of his friends blurted out how it was more like ten.”
Roxie glares. “What? You didn’t tell me that.”
“Well,” Dani says slowly. “I really like him. I got mad and we fought, but we made up. He got me a really cool plant.”
Roxie’s face screws up. “A plant? Seriously?” She holds her arms wide. “What’s wrong with you guys? Gemmaline is over here always trying to convince everybody to be a doormat. Dani is apparently forgiving assholes as long as they buy her the right plant. And now Charli is wanting to go make up with the guy who lied and was about to let someone steal her book to help his company’s bottom line. Either I’m going crazy, or you’re all losing your minds.”