Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 90260 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 451(@200wpm)___ 361(@250wpm)___ 301(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90260 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 451(@200wpm)___ 361(@250wpm)___ 301(@300wpm)
Celeste turns in her seat and slaps my hand. “Don’t do that. You’re ruining your polish.”
I rest my palms in my lap. Celeste paid for my manicure and pedicure. The treat was her birthday gift to me.
Colin shoots me an inquisitive look.
At the casino, he pulls me aside when Ryan books us in. “You’re not yourself. Is it him?”
I don’t have to ask who he means. Not wanting to spoil the weekend, I say, “You know I haven’t heard from him since June. What’s he going to do? Show up here?”
“This is your party, Bella, and you’re going to have fun.”
“Damn right, I am.” I don’t sound as convincing as I’d like. “It’s the stress about going to university and moving out of the house. Celeste isn’t ecstatic about me boarding with them.”
“She’ll get over it.” He grins. “Who can’t love you?” His expression turns serious. “There’s more to it. You’re not telling me everything.”
I just want to relax and enjoy the party. The burden I’ve been carrying for the past twelve months is dragging me down a little more with each passing day, and I feel close to hitting rock-bottom.
“You can tell me, Bella. We haven’t spent that much time together, lately, but I’m always here for you.”
He’s right. We don’t hang out as much as we used to, but he’s still my bestie, the only person I can trust with my terrible secret. Maybe if I share the gnawing fear with someone, the load won’t feel so heavy.
“This is going to sound stupid,” I say.
His smile is encouraging. “Try me.”
Glancing around, I lower my voice. “It’s something Angelo said.” I bite my lip, considering how to explain.
“About what?”
I take a deep breath before admitting, “About wanting all my firsts.”
Colin frowns. “Your firsts? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know…” I drill the tip of my sneaker into the carpet. “First kisses and everything that go with that.”
He reels. “You kissed him?”
My tone turns defensive. “It was only a peck.” At the shock and disapproval that pass through his eyes, I add, “It was before I knew he was using me.”
“That’s why he kissed you?” he asks with disbelief. “Because he wants all your firsts?”
“I don’t know,” I admit with a frustrated huff. “He told me that morning when he dropped off the gifts for Pirate. He brought it up again on my birthday last year.”
“So what’s supposed to be next? Your virginity?”
“He didn’t say that in so many words. Maybe I’m seeing too much in his meaning. I really don’t think he’s going to show up this year, but I can’t stop being paranoid.” My laugh is uncomfortable. “I suppose I’m just nervous about losing my v-card, being eighteen and all. I’m the last virgin left in my class. I hate the teasing. There’s all this peer pressure to get your cherry popped.”
I can’t tell him about the anxiety attacks that prevent me from hooking up with anyone. At this rate, I’m destined to become a nun. I take in the compassionate set of his handsome face. Colin is attractive, hot, and kind. We’ve known each other since forever. He’s practically single, and next month, he’ll be a bachelor again.
An idea takes root.
Before I can lose my nerve, I rush out the words. “Maybe we should just do it and lose our virginity together, you know, as friends, and then I won’t have to stress about it.”
He stares at me quietly.
“I don’t mean now,” I say, ploughing on. “I mean when we’re in Cape Town and you’re no longer with May. I know we’re not into each other in that way, but—”
He interjects with a soft-spoken declaration. “I’m not a virgin, Bella.”
The statement takes me aback. I’m at a loss for words. I thought Colin and I shared everything, but I guess we’ve grown more apart than I imagined. Why does that notion hit me so hard?
When I finally find my tongue again, I say, “Oh. I’m sorry. I just assumed—”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Colin says good-naturedly.
Ryan turns and waves me over.
“Was it with May?” I ask.
“Does it matter?”
Of course Colin won’t speak out of the bedroom. He’s too much of a gentleman. It’s so typical of him to protect a girl’s honor.
“Um, no.” I hook my hair behind my ear. “I didn’t mean to pry.”
He smiles, letting me know I’m forgiven. “I’m not going to sleep with a girl if there’s nothing long-term for us in the cards.” He deals the rejection gently. “That’s not who I am. Do you understand?”
“Sure,” I stammer.
“Our rooms are ready,” Ryan calls.
“Come.” Colin walks ahead, leading the way. “I’ll carry your bag. I’m sure you’d like to hang out your dress.”
I follow like a sleepwalker, feeling the gorge between Colin and me stretching. Feeling that I don’t know him anymore. That I’ve fallen off the bus somewhere along the way. Feeling for the first time that we’re not kids any longer. And for some strange reason, I’m lonelier than ever.