Total pages in book: 92
Estimated words: 89265 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 446(@200wpm)___ 357(@250wpm)___ 298(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89265 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 446(@200wpm)___ 357(@250wpm)___ 298(@300wpm)
I stared at it longingly for a moment before getting disgusted with myself and hurling it angrily across the room. Then I felt bad about it, because what if one of his daughters saw the doll had been thrown over there and got upset?
I got up, retrieved the Barbie, and tossed it in a box full of Legos by the TV. Then I saw there was a little pink bed on the floor right next to the couch, so I went back to the Lego box, got the Barbie, and put her in the bed. Then I turned off the light again and lay back down.
But being at Mack’s didn’t help. When I closed my eyes, she was all I could see. When I took a breath, I could smell her. When I tried to block out the taste of her skin or the sound of her voice or the feel of her body next to mine, I failed again and again.
She was under my skin.
I opened my eyes the next morning to find three little girls in pajamas standing next to the couch. They reminded me of those Russian dolls, each one smaller than the next. And they were all staring at me.
“Were you playing Barbies?” asked the tallest one, a note of suspicion in her voice.
“Daddy says you know how to make unicorn pancakes,” said the one in the middle.
“Are you Santa?” questioned the littlest, although she had a lisp so it came out more like thanta.
“Duh, Winifred, he doesn’t even have a beard!”
“So what? He could still be Santa.” She looked at me hopefully. “Are you?”
“Uh, no.” I sat up and looked around for my phone. What the hell time was it? “Is your dad up yet?”
“We tried to wake him up to make breakfast, but he said to come wake you up instead.” Millie eyed me critically. “Do you know how to make anything gluten free?”
“Can I play a game on your phone?” the middle one asked, holding it up.
“I don’t have any games, sorry.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Hey, can I get that back?”
“Sure.” She handed it over, clearly uninterested since I had no games.
I had no new messages, which shouldn’t have depressed me, but it did. It was just after seven, and I wondered what time Stella was leaving today. I needed to avoid running into her if I could.
“What’s your name?” asked the little one.
“Ryan. What’s yours?”
“Winifred.”
I looked at the older two. “And you’re Millie, right?” I asked the taller of them. “And you’re …” I thought hard. “Felicia?”
“Felicity,” she said, but she seemed happy I was close. “Do you have any kids?”
“Nope.”
All three of them looked sad about it.
“But if your dad says it’s okay, I can go get some doughnuts.”
“Yay!” they shouted, taking off at a run and pounding up the stairs, even gluten-free Millie.
Mack said it was fine, so I ran to a bakery and picked up a dozen different kinds of doughnuts and a couple large coffees. When I got back, I ate breakfast with them, then I stayed long enough for Millie to give a piano recital, Felicity to show me her collection of Petoskey stones, and Winifred to introduce me to every one of her stuffed animals.
Finally, it was nearing eleven, and I really couldn’t think of a reason to hang out any longer. Plus, I’d promised Mrs. Gardner I’d paint those new boards on her porch. I didn’t want to flake on that.
“Guess I’ll take off,” I said to Mack.
“I’ll walk you out.” He threw a cap on his head and followed me out to the street where I was parked.
“Thanks for letting me crash,” I said, unlocking the truck.
“Anytime. You’re not too bad at the dad stuff,” he said. “I should call you to babysit.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know how you do it.”
He shrugged, his arms folded across his chest. “I’ve got no choice.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.”
“How did you know you wanted to be a father?”
“Carla told me she was pregnant with Millie.”
“How did you know you’d be good at it?”
“I didn’t. I was scared shitless. I still am. But those girls are everything to me. They keep me going on my worst days and make the good days better. They’re all my reasons.”
On the ride home, I tried to imagine being a parent on my own and couldn’t. I tried to imagine being a parent with someone else and couldn’t. But when I imagined what I would do if Stella came to me and said she was pregnant with my child, I felt an undeniable pull deep within me.
They’re all my reasons.
I knew exactly what he meant.
Stella’s car was gone when I pulled into my driveway, and Emme’s too. I experienced a pang of regret even as I breathed a sigh of relief.