Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 104305 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 522(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104305 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 522(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
“No, it was more than that. Being late was only one thing. When I look back now, there was a list of things leading us to that moment, for him to do what he did. That morning, he kissed me longer than normal when we said goodbye. Only, I didn’t know it would be for the last time. I was in a rush and became impatient because he wouldn’t let go. But I forgot. I forgot to pause and check in with him. That’s on me.
“Somehow I missed that he had stopped going to therapy and taking his meds. I didn’t ask and I should have. In the end, I don’t know why he gave up. Why he decided to stop living. I would’ve done anything I could if he’d been open with me about his latest struggle. If he would’ve simply talked about it with me. We had fought so many other battles together. But this one… This one he fought alone.”
Chase untangled his hand from mine and scrubbed it down his shorts. His mouth opened but it took a minute before anything more came out.
“He fought alone. And he lost. He. Fucking. Lost. Because of that, I lost, too. I’m nothing without him. Nothing. When he took his life, he took mine along with it, leaving only a shell behind. An empty fucking shell.”
As much as I wanted to insist what he was saying wasn’t true—that he wasn’t nothing, he wasn’t only a shell, he was so much more—I wouldn’t discount what he said. If that was how he felt, then that was what he believed. He owned that and I wasn’t going to steal it from him.
However, there were other ways to convince him otherwise. To show him that he still had a life to live. That others still valued him.
His family. His fans. Me.
“Why?” His question was strained and agonizingly raw. Every ounce of that single word was felt deep into my very soul. “Why would he want me to find him? Why would he do that to me?” His voice cracked along with my heart.
I didn’t know what to say, what to do to ease his pain. It ran a lot deeper than I originally thought since he felt responsible and blamed himself.
I wasn’t sure if that would ever change.
I didn’t want or need to ask for more details on his husband’s suicide. I could guess it had to do with why the doors had been removed from the closets and never replaced. Something not normally done. Making him say it out loud wouldn’t be fair to him. If he wanted to tell me, to dig up more from where he kept it buried, I’d listen. No matter how hard or uncomfortable it would be for us both. Him for reliving that nightmare. Me for living it along with him.
Even though I was willing to listen to whatever he said, no matter how difficult it would be to hear, I wasn’t expecting his next words to chill me to the bone.
“I’ll never unsee the scuff marks on the back of the door from him kicking. I don’t know if it was just an instinctive reaction from him…” Chase shook his head again like he was trying to shake that memory free. “Or if he regretted his decision and was fighting to live. I’ll never know because I didn’t get home in time to save him. And because he didn’t leave a note, he gave me no closure. Not even an ‘I love you’ or an ‘I’m sorry’ for leaving me. Not an apology for knowing I’d be the one—not a stranger—to find him. He knew that and chose to do it there and in that way regardless. The person who loved him the most found him. The person who loved and accepted him despite his faults and issues. The person who had been supportive and promised to stand by his side through thick and thin. The person who vowed to stay with him through it all, including sickness and health.”
The hand that wasn’t buried in Timber’s coat bunched into a fist.
“I said my vows because I meant every damn word of them. I thought he did, too. I’m not going to lie… There were a few times I considered joining him. To ensure we’d be together forever. For the longest time, I didn’t think I could go on without him. But then, I thought about how I felt afterward. Completely gutted. Betrayed. Destroyed.”
While suicide ended the agony for the one taking their own life, it was only the beginning of the same for those left behind. Sometimes the person couldn’t see past their own suffering to realize that fact.
“So, here I am. For the last two years, doing my best to survive despite the fact all I wanted to do was give up. Yesterday you reminded me of the reason I didn’t end it after I found him. I didn’t want to do the same to my family. To the people who loved me and who I’d leave behind.”