Total pages in book: 109
Estimated words: 102282 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 341(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 102282 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 341(@300wpm)
Canaan shocked him by abruptly spinning on his heel, stalking over and giving him a hard hug. “Thank you. That means something.”
It wasn’t going to matter in the long run, but Renzo nodded, held him close. He smelled sweet like cake and clean like laundry soap and like Canaan with the shampoo and hair product. And God, Renzo couldn’t get enough.
“Will they let you get texts and emails while you’re at training, you think? Or is it likely to be radio silence?” Canaan released him to resume pacing, sounding way more thoughtful and logical than Renzo could if the situation were reversed.
“Probably a mix of both—long, hard days with little contact with the outside, but some time here and there to check in.” Renzo sank onto the couch, letting its familiar contours soothe him for what had to happen next. “But that doesn’t matter.”
“What do you mean? Of course it matters. Even a little amount of contact is going to be better than nothing.”
“I’m not going to make you wait until September thirtieth to say goodbye. I’m not going to do that to either of us.”
“So that’s it in your head? We’re done?” Canaan glared at him. “You said you didn’t come to break up with me.”
“I didn’t.” Again Renzo was honest. “But I think you should break up with me. Or we should agree to end it before training. Something. Fuck. I don’t know.”
“Well, Petty Officer Paternalistic, how about we figure this out together since you don’t know? If you don’t have all the answers either, I don’t think you get to tell me what to do here.”
“I know you’re going to offer to do long distance.” He’d had a vague thought that Canaan would toss in the towel as soon as Renzo gave his news, but he saw now that that was unrealistic—and not fair to Canaan. Of course he was going to want to keep this going. He hadn’t been lying when he’d said he was all in. Which was why Renzo had to be strong here, do the right thing. “But I can’t let you do that. It wouldn’t be fair—”
“Bullshit. This about you thinking I can’t keep it in my pants while you’re gone, isn’t it?”
Renzo blinked. God, last night’s discussion seemed so far away. “No. That’s not it. I trust you. If you say we’re exclusive, then we are. But eventually you’re going to want more than a boyfriend you see twice a year.”
“Well, that kind of goes without saying.” Canaan stopped right in front of the couch, crouched low to play with a fraying thread in the colorful rug. “You too need more than that, but we’re not living in the Pony Express days. There’s email and video chat and planes—maybe you can’t predict when you can come back to this coast, but I can come visit you.”
“Canaan.” Renzo tugged him closer until Canaan was on his knees in front of Renzo. He cupped Canaan’s face. “Sure. We could do that for a few months. But, babe, your whole life is here. Your second chance with your band. Your school. Your grandpa. Your friends.”
“You’re part of that life now too.” Canaan braced his hands on Renzo’s knees. “Doesn’t what we went through together matter? You saved my life. I’m not letting you out of it so easily.”
“It’s not a life debt.” Renzo glanced away because looking into Canaan’s liquid green eyes was making his chest feel cleaved in half. “And you saved you. You climbed that wall.”
“You made me do it. You cheering me on, telling me what to do. That mattered.” Canaan stood, and Renzo thought he was going to resume pacing but instead he took a seat next to him with a weary-sounding sigh. Good. Maybe he was starting to get how hopeless this was.
“Even if it was me saving you, which it wasn’t, I didn’t save your life for you to sacrifice it on me. Say we do the long-distance thing. Eventually you’re going to look at all the time you wasted and you’re going to hate me.”
“I could never hate you. Never.” Canaan squeezed his hand, and God, how Renzo wanted to believe him.
Renzo wanted to object but couldn’t bring himself to do more than make a noncommittal noise because it didn’t matter how much Canaan believed his words—Renzo knew different.
“I’m not giving up on us. On you. I’m not.” Canaan’s voice was defiant and certain, and fuck but Renzo wanted to simultaneously cheer and beat his head into the wall. Body acting without his brain, he did neither, instead pulling Canaan to him. Canaan came willingly, straddling Renzo’s lap. He held Renzo’s face in his hands, repeating, “Not giving up on us.”
“Yeah.” Renzo didn’t trust himself to say anything more than that. So he did what he knew was stupid but was also the only thing he wanted, and stretched to kiss Canaan’s mouth. Soft and slow and sad, everything he was feeling put into the brush of their lips. Felt like he might break into a thousand pieces if he didn’t get that kiss.