Total pages in book: 130
Estimated words: 126003 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 630(@200wpm)___ 504(@250wpm)___ 420(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 126003 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 630(@200wpm)___ 504(@250wpm)___ 420(@300wpm)
I try to picture Maart with kids and realize it’s pretty easy to do. He loves kids. He loved all of us kids. And then I went and had that stupid argument with him. I don’t love you that way, Irina. That’s what he said to me. Because I told him I did love him that way. I had this whole stupid fantasy in my head about the two of us living out some kind of happily ever after.
What the hell was I thinking?
I’m not sorry I left. I think I’m doing pretty good. I’m doing better than most. But I am sorry I walked out the way I did because I didn’t have to ruin it. I could’ve kept him forever. I could’ve acted like an adult and had a conversation with him instead of reacting like a stupid teenager.
Eason was right. I do act like a teenager. At least when it comes to love. It’s so weird too. Because I am on my own, living my life, taking care of myself with almost no help from anyone else. All these things are easy because this is survival. And I’m very good at surviving.
Love, though. It’s something else entirely. And even though I did love every kid I ever met at Cort’s camp, I didn’t… think about them. I didn’t place them in my future anywhere. Because I never knew when Cort might take them to a fight and they might never come home.
I couldn’t afford to attach my heart to every wayward stray. They just end up as ghosts.
But there are no more strays in my life anymore. No one is gonna die in a death fight. They’re all coming home.
Four years ago, though, I didn’t know that. It was something I learned since I’ve been in Miami. So when Maart rejected me it felt like the end of the world. It felt like… like I gave my heart to a wayward stray and then… he never came home.
It’s not literal, of course. I was the one who walked away. But I guess I couldn’t wrap my head around rejection, or a path forward with Maart after that. If I had only stopped for a moment, gone home to the village and talked it over with Anya, none of this would’ve happened.
Maart and I could’ve been in touch this whole time. Maybe we’d be talking on the phone once a week? Or maybe I’d make a trip to one of the fights and I would stand there, next to the cage, and cheer for my friends. Maybe Paulo and Maeko and I would still be close. Maybe they would want me around.
There are so many other ways this could’ve gone. So many forks in the road, so to speak.
But… this is the path I chose.
Still, I do sometimes wonder what Anya is doing. And Cort. Did they ever have a baby? And where is Budi? He would be seventeen now. I bet he’s living in the penthouse with Maart getting ready for his first fight.
And what about Ainsey? Is she healthy? Does her heart work right? Was it fixed for good after the surgery?
Did Zoya ever take over the world? I smile at this, but it’s a sad one. Zoya and I lived together since she got to camp when she was four years old. She would be almost sixteen now. Did she walk out the way I did? Or is she still there? Still living in her same hut in the village?
She would have it all to herself because she was the youngest girl. Not including Ainsey. She lived with Cort and Anya.
And what about the birds on the Rock? Do they miss us? Anya and Cort went back to the Rock that one time and Anya said they were all still there. But that was years and years ago. Would they even know me if I went back there? Or have they forgotten about us?
A tear spills out of my eye and rolls down my cheek. I shake my head and put my fork down, suddenly done. I didn’t even know I was crying.
“What’s that tall one’s name? She cornered me when I paid the check.” I look up at Eason because he’s back now. “She was giving me the third—are you crying?” I let out a long breath and he sits back down in his chair. “What’s wrong?”
I don’t look at him. Just wipe my face with the back of my hand. “I was thinking about home.”
“Why?”
“Because I was thinking about your kiss. And how you think I act like a teenager. And then I was thinking about Maart and how I walked out because I do act like a teenager. I ruined everything, Eason. I ruined everything.” I look up at him. I want to say so much more, but there are too many words to choose from and I can’t make a decision. So I just shrug.