Total pages in book: 134
Estimated words: 130159 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130159 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
“Maybe you should. Everyone is only ‘up in your business’ because they fucking care. And what do you do? Growl and snap before you bury your head in the proverbial sand. That’s not going to solve a damn thing. How long are you going to keep clutching the past in your tight fist? Long enough to let the future slide through your fingers, I guess. You’re thisclose to happiness, man. But it’s all about to get away from you because you’re mourning a wife you didn’t love as much as you love Heavenly. Is it guilt holding you back? I get that would be hard. It would be a mind fuck, for sure. But don’t take it out on Heavenly.”
“That’s not the problem. Before we ever took her together, I accepted how crazy my feelings for her are. Hell, this relationship will horrify my family, but I love her enough to risk alienating my mother for the rest of my life. The problem is my job. It’s not all cheating spouses and employee background checks. It can be fucking dangerous. Maybe you don’t get that because you work in a sterile environment. Maybe the smell of rubbing alcohol and disinfectant has gone to your brain. But you snap your fingers in the OR and people obey. You play God. And good for you. It doesn’t work like that in the real world. Bad shit happens every day. No one controls the violent chaos. I know firsthand it can be deadly to the people in my life.”
“We’re willing to accept that risk. So what’s your next excuse? The truth is, you don’t want to suffer loss again, so you’ve given up on happiness, on the future. Screw enjoying whatever time we could have together, whether that’s five minutes or five decades.” Beck marched closer, clearly on a righteous rampage. “Look, what you went through is something I’d never wish on my worst enemy. I completely understand that it gutted your life and that you feel responsible. And I’m so fucking sorry. But neither my regret nor your guilt will change a damn thing. Only you can decide to move on. But you’re too busy feeling sorry for yourself to even try.”
Seth’s temper flared hotter. “That’s bullshit! I don’t—”
“Go to therapy or look for ways to manage your emotions? Oh, I know. You just keep living in the moment without any thought to either dealing with your past or working toward your future.”
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Therapy is useless and—”
“Is it? How do you know? Are you actually trying to process your past? Have you ever?”
“Of course.” What the fuck did Beck think, that he’d simply been sitting around with his thumb up his ass? “I’m sorry I can’t just snap my fingers and be all right for you.”
Beck cocked his head like he was dissecting an insect pinned to a board. “Have you ever told anyone everything?”
What was he getting at? “Of course. The police know. My dad’s former partner, Gene, knows. You and Heavenly know.”
“But we don’t, not everything. We know how you wound up in Silas Nichols’s dirty apartment in South Bronx. But we don’t know why. There have been holes in your story from the very beginning, and I want some fucking answers. Why were you obsessed with the cold case that put you on his path? And who did you owe favors to in order to learn his identity?”
Seth went cold. He should have guessed Beck would demand all the details, especially the dirty ones. He’d been lucky to put the son of a bitch off for the past few months.
Time was up.
Pacing, Seth scrubbed a hand down his face. He didn’t want to carve open his chest and spill more truth, but the asshole would only keep dogging him. Fine. He’d unload this guilt fest. Besides, if he was going to put off having kids—probably forever—he should explain his reasons.
Swallowing, Seth paced into the kitchen, vaguely aware of Beck following. With his gut in knots, he stared out at the dark patio and the shimmering pool beyond. “The cold case I was investigating when Autumn and Tristan were killed? It was my father’s murder.” He sighed. “I’ve never told anyone that before now, not even my mother.”
“Holy shit.” Beck sounded shaken.
Seth didn’t dare turn around and look at the surgeon. Instead, he cleared his tightening throat and went on. “The official report concluded that he was in the middle of a drug bust gone wrong. And the whispers afterward were that he was on the take. Bullshit. My dad would never have sold out. He lived by a code. He always did what was right. Those rumors? No. Fuck no. Half the reason I joined the force was to prove that and figure out exactly how my father died. I had to know who lured him to the scene and why. The other half was to make him proud. I managed the first, but the second… I failed in every way.”