Total pages in book: 115
Estimated words: 106797 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106797 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
“You didn’t ask me to love you, either.”
He scowled, but I saw him crack beneath it. “You don’t love me, Natalie.”
“Don’t tell me what I feel,” I cried. My voice was shaky, breaking with every word. “I wish I didn’t love you, but I do.” Rhodes’ eyes softened, but his lips were still pressed together. I could see it. He was trying not to feel, and I was determined to make him. “It hit me all at once, like a thought or a memory of something I’ve known all along. I don’t have a choice, Rhodes. I love you because there is no other option for me.”
I knew he wouldn’t say it back, and I didn’t expect him to. I only wanted him to stay. Because in my heart, I already knew he loved me. He loved me with such intensity that I should have been terrified. Instead, I was fascinated. And desperate for more.
My heart wasn’t ready to let him go.
Rhodes swallowed, and his eyes fell to my lips. For a moment, I thought he might reach for me. His hand twitched where it held the straps of his helmet, and I willed him to follow through with the instinct.
But he didn’t.
There were no physical walls to be seen, but I still watched as they slammed down around him. I watched his eyes gloss over. I watched the scowl form over his softened features, hardening them again, maybe even more so than before.
Slipping the helmet over his head, he buckled the straps and gripped the handlebars, turning to face the road. “I told you that night that you were making the wrong decision,” he said, his voice low. He hesitated for just a moment before revving the engine to life. “You should have listened to me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and let two tears fall parallel down my cheeks. I kept them shut and listened to him drive away. Even when the last sound of the engine had faded and I was alone again in the still night air, I refused to open my eyes. I wouldn’t watch him leave. I wouldn’t face the fact that he was gone. I wouldn’t admit that he left, not after what I’d told him.
All that time, I had felt the break coming. I had seen the warning signs. We both had. I guess in a way, we knew it was only a matter of time before the fragile shell of our relationship cracked beneath the weight of reality. I was content to live in that dream with him until it all came crashing down and the rubble killed us both, but he had left without me. Now, I was alone, clinging to the what ifs that he refused to hear. The crack was spreading faster and faster, and I watched helplessly as it creaked across the only foundation I had ever built.
I still stayed, waiting to be crushed, praying to be saved.
And the only comfort I found was that regardless of the outcome, it would all be over soon.
There’s something so strangely satisfying about heartbreak. It’s almost like if you can feel that much for anything, maybe life is worth it. There was a constant ache in my chest after Rhodes left. It wasn’t dull, yet it wasn’t quite sharp — but it was always present. Thoughts of him filled me with hope just as much as they crushed me. I told myself I should forget him, but I listened to songs with words that made me think of him, instead. It was a repetitive, modern form of torture that I somehow found solace in.
I didn’t even try to reach out to him over the weekend. I weighed in by myself on my mom’s scale at the house. I was down another four pounds, which was more than I had lost in a while. I guess when you run for hours every day and get sick at even the thought of food, that tends to happen. It wasn’t a healthy diet, but I didn’t know how else to handle my new reality.
But it was Monday, and to me, that felt like a new beginning of sorts.
Crawling out of bed, I talked myself through getting dressed, taking the time to make myself look somewhat presentable. Willow made me promise to call her after her morning class. She had taken it upon herself to check on me, like I might disappear off the face of the earth if she didn’t.
If only it were that easy.
“Wait, are you wearing makeup?” Willow asked as soon as the video chat connected.
“I think I’m going to go see him.”
Her face fell. “Um, what?”
“Hear me out,” I offered, holding up my hands. “Our normal training session starts in an hour. I figured I’ll just show up. If he’s there, then maybe we can talk. And if he’s not, well… then I’ll take it as my cue to leave it alone.”