Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 142818 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 714(@200wpm)___ 571(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 142818 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 714(@200wpm)___ 571(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
“I’ll always worry about you,” I whispered, grabbing onto the sides of his cut.
When Elden reached up to stroke my face, I closed my eyes, leaning into his hand.
We didn’t talk for a while. The birds greeting the morning took over the silence.
“I need to go,” Elden said finally.
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. I had known this was coming. It wasn’t like he could come in and everything would change. Sariah was on the sofa having just gone through a harrowing ordeal. That did not stop me from from wanting to pounce on him. But me having sex with the man I was falling for was not really appropriate.
When I was brave enough to open my eyes, he was staring at me. He likely had been the entire time.
There was nothing else to say now. We both knew this wasn’t the right time for us. Maybe there was no right time for us.
His hand fell back to his side. I missed the weight of it right away.
“Have a safe flight,” I said weakly.
Elden didn’t speak for a long time. “You’re strong, Violet,” he finally said. “But you don’t have to be. You’re not alone.” His eyes burned with intensity. “I’ll always be here for you.”
And then, in direct opposition to what he’d just said, he turned his back on me. I watched the patch on his back move as he got into the SUV idling at the curb, then it drove off.
I stood there for a long time.
Things were going well.
Which, of course, was when everything went to shit.
Sariah and I finished summer school and took a trip to Nantucket for a few days in a beach house I’d rented, reading, relaxing and pretending the rest of the world didn’t exist. Elden didn’t call.
It hadn’t rained.
I hadn’t gotten arrested again.
There was no reason for him to call.
The fall semester started, and I again loaded up on classes, taking meetings with advisors to see if I could finish even a semester early. My grades were good, great even. It was possible for me to graduate earlier, but the advisors didn’t seem to understand why since to be fully qualified as an architect I’d need three more years of further study, at least. I wasn’t thinking about that, though. It made my heart race. All I was thinking about was my birthday, the end of my teenage years, and graduating college.
I’d been so anxious to do everything my entire life. To finish junior high so I could go to high school. To graduate so I could see the world, to leave France and the French asshole to get into a college routine.
Now I couldn’t wait to get out of college so I could feel more like an adult. And yes, most of the reason for that had to do with Elden.
It meant, in my many fantasies at least, that we could become something. That we could share more than a few stolen moments, intense looks, proclamations of ownerships. Phone calls in the rain.
And me rushing college was in a way rushing toward the secret coming out, one way or another.
Because after I graduated, I’d have to make choices. Even if I didn’t study at Brown for another three years. The plan had always been New York, maybe even London, to start interning at an architecture firm, work my way up. Travel. Get an apartment, live a fast-paced life, lightyears away from the kind of life I’d grown up in.
That plan had always been firm. I’d fantasized about it millions of times to the point I knew the color of my sofa in my small but chic apartment. Either in a Brownstone in New York or some old brick house in Notting Hill.
I hadn’t accounted for life getting in the way. For my feelings to change. Goals to change. Hadn’t accounted for my fantasies to change into a quieter, warmer vision of life that felt more like me.
I was struggling between two different futures. One that I’d wanted before I could remember—one I wasn’t sure I wanted for the right reasons because I’d just wanted anything that hadn’t been my mother’s life. And one that had changed because of a man. Something I promised myself I’d never do was warp my future so it fit around a man. Cut away pieces of myself so I was smaller, more malleable. Even though I know Elden didn’t want that for me. He was keeping away partly because Swiss might very well kill him but also because he believed I deserved better.
In short, I was a mess.
I was also operating off far too much caffeine and nowhere near enough sleep. At least that problem was not unique to me. Everyone at this school and everyone in our household was dealing with that.
When my phone rang, my stomach dipped. It wasn’t raining, so it still could be him. Although he could’ve been calling to declare that he couldn’t live without me, that he was abandoning all of his noble intentions. That we’d ride off into the sunset.