Total pages in book: 213
Estimated words: 201920 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1010(@200wpm)___ 808(@250wpm)___ 673(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 201920 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1010(@200wpm)___ 808(@250wpm)___ 673(@300wpm)
“She’s not going to be here for much longer,” he starts to cry and it fucking hurts watching a grown man lose it. “I can’t lose your mother.” He covers his face with one hand, his other bracing him on the table to keep himself upright.
“They know, Dad,” Carter tells him, although he doesn’t go to his dad, he doesn’t try to comfort him. He stands strong and his father only seems to respect the decision as he rights himself, brushing away the tears and sniffling hard to be done with it.
“They don’t know,” he says in a single breath, his face going stony. “They can’t know until it happens. Nothing can prepare you for it.”
Carter looks down and stares at his mud-covered boots; I know he wants to object.
His father’s right though. Even knowing the end is coming can’t help. Nothing can prepare you for the type of destruction death brings.
“We’ll be all right,” his father sniffs and grabs Carter’s shoulder, squeezing it and waiting for Carter to look him in the eye. “All boys,” his father says and huffs a humorless laugh although a faint smile is on his lips. He looks at me as he asks, “Can you believe that?”
I offer him a weak laugh, feeling awkward and out of place.
“Their mother wanted a little girl and instead I gave her five sons. All Irish; the Irish boys have to be tough.” He nods his head as he talks to neither of us in particular. “The men have to be tough,” he repeats and then gives his son’s shoulder one more squeeze.
“Carter will do good,” he says and then sniffles again, giving me a glance before walking toward the worn doorway. “Carter will take care of them,” he says softly.
“You’re talking like you’re already dead,” Carter comments. “You’re still here.” The tension between them changes to something else, and for the first time, I see why Carter doesn’t blame his father. He would never go against his father. It’s the fear of losing him that keeps him loyal. Between the alcohol and his hopelessness, he’s already close to losing him.
“I won’t live much longer after she goes. That’s how it works.” His father doesn’t say anything else in the awkward silence that follows and neither does Carter.
It’s only when the stairs creak with the weight of his father going to bed, that Carter says anything.
“He’s a different man when he isn’t drinking. You see it, right?” Carter asks me, his voice more hopeful than I thought it’d be. “He’s not all bad.”
I can only nod, not wanting to fight with Carter. Carter’s told me his father treats him differently from Daniel, who’s the second oldest. He’s told me some days he doesn’t even know if his father loves him. I can’t forgive a man for treating his son like that. I won’t.
“Thanks for the loan, man,” he tells me, even though I’m aware he doesn’t like that he had to take it.
“Yeah, no problem. It’s nothing,” I say and try to brush it off like it doesn’t matter. “I have to go home to Chlo.”
“Look at you,” Carter jokes and I can feel the tension leave him, grateful to move on to a different subject. “Don’t fuck it up.”
I almost joke back and tell him that I know I’m going to ruin it somehow. But it’s too close to the truth and I don’t want to speak life into the words.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way in my head, not like this.
“She has no one,” I tell Carter, just wanting him to understand her the way I do. “The worst thing I can imagine is having no one.” It’s only when the words are spoken that I realize how alone I’ve really been. I wait for Carter to say something, but his mind is elsewhere.
Maybe there is something worse though. Like having someone, but knowing you’re bound to lose them.
CHLOE
It’s weird being alone in this place without Sebastian. I’m surprised he let me stay here at all. I’d planned on sneaking out in the morning and being weird on my own rather than weird with him.
The biggest fucking lie I’ve ever told myself is that this is just sex. Last night was more than sex for me.
I woke up a few hours after I’d passed out, and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was wide awake and so very aware of everything that happened. With his arm still around me, I wanted so badly to stay in that moment. The moment where it felt like he still wanted me.
I knew it would hurt down there, and at 4 a.m. every tiny shift in my body seemed to be connected to the ache between my legs. It still hurts now in the evening after. I knew it would. But I didn’t expect the emotional change, the emotional pain that comes with it.