Total pages in book: 70
Estimated words: 66863 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 334(@200wpm)___ 267(@250wpm)___ 223(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66863 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 334(@200wpm)___ 267(@250wpm)___ 223(@300wpm)
Kieran was right.
I was submissive. Yes, I’d basically known that, the truth had been there even though I didn’t let myself believe it, but I did now. I knew now.
I wanted to be a sub…or a boy.
This is who I was. It was part of my DNA. I needed it.
“I have to go.” I shoved to my feet and fumbled with my pants. Shit, there was cum all over me so I grabbed a napkin and wiped it.
I was breathing too hard and my heart was beating too fast and my vision was blurry.
“Hey, it’s okay.” Phil stood too.
But it wasn’t okay. It was like I didn’t know who I was. What I wanted. What I needed. As though my whole life had been a lie until this very moment when it became crystal clear, like Kieran’s eyes.
Even if it wasn’t Kieran, and I’d never met him, eventually I’d want a Dom. A Sir. A Daddy.
“I have to go,” I repeated as I held my hand up and Phil backed away. I made it all the way to the door before I stopped. “I’m sorry,” I said again and then walked out the door.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
My body felt as if it would burst at the seams as I made my way home.
Tell me to come. God, please tell me to come.
I’d needed it. I knew it the moment I kept reaching for my orgasm but couldn’t quite get there. I’d wanted to be told what to do—what not to do.
I’d wanted it since I’d walked out of Kieran’s cabin. Since before that, even. I just hadn’t been able to admit it, hadn’t been able to confess that secret desire that felt so dirty…almost weak.
Was it weak? I didn’t know. That thought teased at the edge of my brain, made me pace the elevator as it climbed higher and higher to the floor I shared with Kieran.
Kieran.
Sir…
Daddy?
The name sent a shiver down my spine. Made my dick stir.
I thought about the way I’d felt when he told me I was a good boy, when he called himself Daddy. The calm that came over me when he did so. The calm that came over me when he took care of my needs, even in the short amount of time we’d had together.
The elevator opened and I stumbled out. My footsteps were rushed as I walked down the hallway. I passed my door, went to Kieran’s.
I wanted to bust it down. I could hardly stay still as I knocked. As I waited.
What if he wasn’t home?
What if he’d changed his mind?
I banged on it again and then the door pulled open. “I need it. Please, I need it.”
He nodded and I stepped inside. The second I heard the door close behind me, I said, “I fought it. I don’t know why I fought it.”
“Yes, you do,” he answered calmly.
And I really did. Part of it was society, this crazy idea of right and wrong. Of dirty. Of what sex or relationships were supposed to be. As long as we were consenting adults, why should it matter? There was nothing wrong with this and anyone who thought there was, it came from somewhere inside of them and not me. But there was more to it too. “I’m scared to depend on anyone…to need anyone…” Because I’d never had anyone I could truly count on. “I tried to pretend I didn’t need it but I thought I was going to lose my mind these last few weeks.” My thoughts were all over the place and my speech was racing.
“The structure…the rules…the schedule. Why do I need them?” I asked him. I so very much wanted this to make sense to me. For me to be able to understand it.
“Because you do. Not because you’re broken or because you’ve suffered. Maybe you have and I don’t know. I’ll learn those things about you as we go along. It’s not parent issues, or perverse desires, but you do need this. You need a firm hand because it’s who you are, nothing more and nothing less.”
“It’s weak,” I told him.
He frowned and cocked his head. “No…it’s not. It takes strength to give up control to someone else. More strength than it does to take it. People who don’t understand kink or BDSM—dominance, submission, power exchange, or whatever umbrella you fall under—they’re the ones who think it’s weak or wrong. It’s about honesty. About being broken down to the core of who you are, of being naked in the most intimate of ways, past your skin and showing it to another person. Trusting them to care for you. Trusting them to look out for you. Trusting them to tell you it’s okay and to show you you’re not alone. What’s more beautiful than that?”
I wanted to believe him. I felt like I should. Kieran was this vast resource of knowledge in this new life I’d stumbled into and I wanted nothing more than to soak him in. To devour everything he could share with me.