Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
After that, I forced myself out of bed and dragged my ass to the gym. I did not want to be the guy who lays around in bed feeling sorry for himself. I worked out hard, and it felt good to punish my body. It took my mind off the ache of missing Paisley and Emme. It also gave me back a piece of my former self. I’d missed working out, missed spending time by myself on myself, missed feeling strong and capable and good at something. I watched myself in the mirror, sweat dripping from my skin, muscles flexing, body hard and tense, and I felt like me again. I probably spent two solid hours there. When I was done, I grabbed a shower and some food at the gym’s cafe, still riding high.
Back at my apartment building however, the story changed.
In the hallway outside Emme’s door, I listened carefully to see if I could hear anything inside, but it didn’t sound as if she was home. Disappointed, I let myself into my apartment. It was probably a good thing that I needed to find a new place to live. Even if she didn’t hate me, we were never going to be friends again like we were before. I fucking hated that.
I spent the rest of the evening doing laundry, cleaning up my apartment, and trying not to look at the baby furniture I’d bought. It seemed way too quiet, so I turned on CNN, but the news was depressing. I ended up turning it off and going to bed early.
Up in my bedroom, I lay in bed on my back, hands behind my head. The room seemed so empty. Why was that? I’d spent plenty of nights in bed alone. I liked my alone time. It was part of what I missed about my old life, wasn’t it?
But I found myself looking at the little sleeper next to the bed and missing the daughter who’d turned my life upside down. Maybe I hadn’t been the perfect dad right out of the gate, but I was the only father she had. Okay, trying to do an entire month all by myself had been a stupid move—especially since I had never even changed a diaper before—but I’d learned a lot and I’d keep trying. Tomorrow, I’d ask Rachel if I could have her back over the weekend.
Although I prayed I’d never actually have to do that rectal thermometer thing.
When sleep continued to elude me, I couldn’t help reaching for the pillow next to me and bringing it to my face. Inhaling deeply, I searched for any trace of the woman who’d made me so happy these last couple weeks. Who’d brought out a new side in me. Who’d made me love her.
And it was there—the scent of her hair.
I breathed in slowly, again and again, torturing myself with the memory of her until I couldn’t stand it and threw the pillow to the floor. Wallowing was not going to help me get over this and move forward. I needed to refocus on the things that mattered, the things I could control: looking for a new apartment, arranging custody with Rachel, getting back to work, keeping fit.
Sooner or later my feelings would catch up.
On Monday, Rachel and I filed the affidavit and I got to spend a little time with Paisley. I showed her off at the office, and even though I didn’t like how everyone kept saying how surprised they were to see how good I was with her, I felt like a proud dad. When it was time for them to go, I walked with Rachel to her car.
“When can I see her again?” I asked once I’d buckled Paisley in and kissed her goodbye.
“This weekend?” she offered. “Assuming she’s feeling good, I mean.”
I nodded. “Should I drive to Battle Creek to pick her up?”
She thought for a second. “I could meet you halfway. That might be easier. Then one of us isn’t driving three hours all the time.”
“Okay. Let’s plan on that. We can settle on a time this week.”
“Sounds good.” She paused. “I’m sorry again about how I handled the pregnancy and everything. I should have told you right away.”
“Let’s just move forward from here, okay? No sense in looking back.”
She gave me a smile. “Good idea.”
I opened the driver’s side door for her, and she got behind the wheel. But before closing it, she said, “Hey, Nate?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you said it was none of my business, but I wanted to say again that I think Emme is really nice. And I could tell she has feelings for you.”
I frowned and stared at the asphalt. Stuck my hands in my pockets.
“And Saturday night you seemed pretty miserable about the breakup. Is there any chance you could work it out?”