Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 132512 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 663(@200wpm)___ 530(@250wpm)___ 442(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 132512 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 663(@200wpm)___ 530(@250wpm)___ 442(@300wpm)
“Can I join you, or is this conversation about something a lady shouldn’t hear?” she asked and winked at Roger.
A small smile tugged at his mouth, and when Cole nodded, glad for a moment’s respite, Parita sat next to her husband and placed a bowl of stew in front of him. “You need more than this gruel if you’re to work all day,” she said and squeezed his thick hand.
Roger squeezed back, and for a moment Cole felt like an intruder in a scene too intimate to share even with close friends. Neither Roger nor Parita spoke, but as their eyes met, Cole sensed an intense burning at the pit of his stomach. He distinctly remembered all the times Ned had looked at him like that. No one else ever had, not with this tenderness that wasn’t erotic in nature and expressed simple yet wonderful things.
I look out for you.
I care for you.
I’m here.
Don’t go.
Only Ned wasn’t here, because Cole had rejected him and fled like the biggest coward, because Ned hadn’t acted the way Cole wanted him to.
He’d been so afraid Ned would betray his trust that he’d done just that himself. After all the years, the punches, the fights, and mean words, Ned had still believed in them until two days ago. Last night in the factory, that spark of hope wasn’t there anymore, and Cole hated himself for snuffing it out in the one man who truly cared for him.
Roger’s cheeks reddened when Parita leaned down for a smooch. “We were just talking about Ned.”
She pulled back her long black hair and met Cole’s gaze. “The man who helped us with the… two issues Jan is still angry about? I was so shaken I didn’t thank him in the end. Is he around?”
Roger shook his head, and his voice dropped to a whisper as if this way he’d hurt Cole’s feelings less. “We won’t be seeing him anymore.”
Cole took a deep breath, struggling against the pressure building in his head. Soon enough, he wouldn’t be able to think at all, but for now his mind was stuck on the memory of Ned’s face and the sadness in his eyes when they’d looked at one another for the last time. It was as if he’d lost the will to fight Cole. As if it no longer mattered. And Cole had no one to blame but himself.
He’d been cruel. And selfish.
Parita’s dark eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, sorry, I forgot about the argument you two had.” She leaned over and patted Cole’s hand. “If you stick around with us, it’ll be easier for you to meet like-minded men.”
Cole didn’t want other men. He wanted Ned. Holding him tight. Submitting to him so pliantly and asking for more. Waking him up with coffee. Kissing him as if there was no tomorrow and no yesterday. Racing him on horseback for no reason. Mocking his flawed bird calls. Seeing all of Cole’s flaws and still wanting to stay by his side.
Cole’s first love. First kiss. First heartbreak.
He’d been right there, offering everything Cole could have wanted if he’d only given Ned a second chance.
He took a deep breath, burned by the two pairs of eyes watching him in expectation, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak or put a name on his feelings. His chest felt raw on the inside, as if fear and anger had clawed at his flesh until it had become torn and bloody, and in that moment there was nothing Cole wanted more than for Ned to sit next to him and press his knee against his thigh.
Still mute due to the growing pressure in his throat, he reached into the inner pocket of his coat and pulled out the old picture, the one he and Ned had taken together less than an hour before their first kiss. And because he wanted Roger and Parita to understand but couldn’t make himself utter a word, he placed the photograph on the table and hid his face in both palms.
Parita was the one to end the long silence with her gentle voice. “Oh, Cole… I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was such an old friend. I thought he was one of your many flings. Does… does he know you still care? Sometimes, in anger, we say things we don’t mean.”
Cole’s inhale sounded suspiciously like a sob, but he placed his hands on the table, uncovering his face to prove that he wasn’t crying. “He did. Until I broke his heart. I left him a note and ran, so I doubt he’d take me back. I wouldn’t have taken me back,” he whispered, each word burning his throat as if it were acid.
Roger shook his head. “So you have nothing left to lose but your dignity. Though I guess that ship has sailed two days ago.”