Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 82034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 273(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 273(@300wpm)
“Why wouldn’t he have changed all that?” I ask Jared as tears continue to stream down my face. “Why keep me on that stuff after we broke up?”
Jared gives a sorrowful smile. “He was the eternal optimist. He thought he could work really hard and get you back. He never gave up that you might at least give him a chance one day.”
I pull away from Jared and flop down into one of the guest chairs. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I bend forward and start sobbing. Jared puts his hand on my shoulder and just lets me cry. I can hear him sniffling, too, but I don’t have the strength to comfort him.
I don’t want this responsibility.
I sure as hell am not liking this guilt that seems to be pressing down on me. Knowing now that Jamie was going to propose, that he had a moment of weakness that ruined it all, but most of all, because it led me to a greater happiness. I didn’t love Jamie the way I love Dane. How could I when I have seventeen years of deep history with him?
Finally, I sit up and look over my shoulder at Jared. “What do I need to do? What about his brother?”
Jared shook his head. “You know he’s not that close to Phillip. With both his parents being deceased, you and I were the next logical choices for him to make these decisions.”
I nod in understanding as more tears fall. But I really don’t understand any of this. It’s so unfair Jamie was taken from this earth so young and full of life.
It’s not fair I have to make decisions for a man I no longer love, although I do have care and respect for the good thing we had. For the good that I know was in him.
“You know what he would want?” Jared asks me hesitantly.
I nod again, give a tiny cough to clear my throat. “Um… yeah. We talked about it a few times. If there was no chance of recovery, he didn’t want to be on life support. Same as me.”
“That’s right,” Jared says softly. Proof he really was Jamie’s best friend and knew him well. “But you’re the primary. You have to make the call. There will be forms to sign at the hospital, and I thought… well, that you’d want to say goodbye.”
I double back over as pain hits me square in the chest, and I start sobbing again. Jared squats down by the chair, rubbing my back. He murmurs words of comfort, but I really can’t hear them.
Jamie’s going to die by my hand and very soon. He’s going to die without me having given him any closure. I could have just met with him for lunch or something, and let him have his last say. I could have looked him in the eye and let him know there was no chance. Instead, he died still loving me and still trusting me to do right by him.
“What’s going on?” I hear Dane say from the doorway, and I look over my shoulder. Even through the tears blurring my eyes, I can make out the wavy figures of Andrew and Dane.
I bend back over, the sobs almost uncontrollable at this point, and I feel like I’m suffocating. Then Dane’s by my chair and he’s pulling me into his arms. I can hear Jared almost like he’s in a tunnel, telling Andrew and Dane what happened to Jamie. I bury my face in Dane’s chest and I just keep crying.
♦
After I sign the documents and Jamie’s heart stops beating, Jared pulls me back into his arms for one last hug. I don’t know if we’ll keep in contact, but I hope so. We just shared one of the most profound experiences of my life. While we waited for Jamie to die, we spent most of the time telling funny or endearing stories about him. We laughed, and we cried. I told Jared how bad I felt that I didn’t give him closure, and he comforted me by telling me Jamie only ever wanted me to be happy, and if I am, then he’s in a very happy place right now.
We walk out of his room and share one more hug.
I see Andrew waiting for me, leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes are filled with sorrow and worry for me.
After Jared releases me, I turn and walk right into a hug from Andrew. He holds me tight, and I just sigh from the few moments of peace in my friend’s arms. I have no more tears to give, and I’d kill for a hot bath and my bed.
I look at my watch. It’s only three PM, but I’m exhausted.
“Where’s Dane?” I ask as I pull back from Andrew, assuming he’s getting coffee or something from the cafeteria. He and Andrew drove me to the hospital, stood by my side while the doctor explained Jamie’s condition, and Dane kept his hand on my shoulder while I signed the paperwork to end his life. They both stepped out once the machines were turned off so Jared and I could say our final goodbyes.